Be Real. Kvetch More.

Sometimes I wonder if I complain too much, or if I’m too negative.

 

There’s definitely a fair amount of kvetching (complaining) in the Jewish world. We worry. We’re on edge. I think it’s probably embedded in us after centuries of persecution. It’s all over our comedy. It’s even in the Torah; the Hebrews complained that things weren’t as good in the wilderness as they were in the good old days of slavery in Egypt. 😅

 

Amongst the toxic positivity of our time, when many force a focus on the good and ignore the less good, I like a kvetch sesh. It keeps things real. It’s a way to turn to the wisdom of Jewish tradition!

 

But is there a limit? Where is the line between being pleasant and being authentic? Does anyone really want to be around a constant kvetcher? Asking for a friend…

 

We may want to be selective about who we choose to kvetch to. And we may need to check in for consent to kvetch, to make sure our kvetching can be fully received. 

 

We might also practice intentional kvetching. Sometimes we just need to blow off some steam. Other times we need support. It can help to have an objective, and to feel like our kvetching helped us achieve something we needed.

 

With these boundaries in mind, I think society should be more accepting of kvetching. There is a LOT to kvetch about these days! We’re expected to be happy all the time, which is totally unrealistic and breeds fakeness and isolation and pain when we stuff our feelings down. We rattle off “good” in response to “how are you” (even when we’re not really “good”), we hide in the bathroom to cry, we see filtered lives and highlight reels on social media, we think everyone else has their shit together.

 

Also, people socialized as women are taught that we have to be “nice” and “happy” in order to be desirable. Oh, and pretty of course. And the patriarchy doesn’t like “resting bitch face” (more on that soon). Anyone ever demand you to smile? Yeah. This is why we need to let kvetching have a moment.

 

While I try to be mindful not to only focus on the negative, I want to live in a world where we can all be really honest about how we are. We could all use some practice getting more comfortable with the uncomfortable. We don’t have to follow a sentence about our illness or depression with “but it’s all good” to make the other person feel better. We can hold space and just say, “I’m so sorry you’re struggling.” And that’s it. Just be in the sadness together. What a profound experience of shared humanity. 

 

By talking about difficult or negative emotions or experiences, we normalize them. We may find we’re not alone in our struggles. Take one of my musical inspirations, Alanis Morissette, who has publicly talked about her eating disorder recovery. It makes me, and likely countless other 90s alt rock fans, feel a little less isolated and ashamed of what I’ve gone through. It reminds us that celebrities aren’t gods and don’t necessarily “have it all” and they struggle with a lot of the same things the rest of us do because we’re all human. 

 

We can hold beauty and pain at the same time. We can find the happy and the sad in life and everything in between. You can make a gratitude list AND a kvetch list to honor the breadth of feelings and experiences in a day or month or year. While Jewish culture has a lot of kvetching, there is also gratitude built into our liturgy, like the “Modeh/modah Ani” prayer said as soon as someone wakes up – it means “I give thanks.” 

 

Life isn’t just about feeling “good.” That would be a pretty flat life. Or maybe I’m just jealous, idk. But I really do think that we need to let the shitty stuff breathe a little. Otherwise…well, you know what happens when you hold in shit for too long.

 

I say kvetch away, darling. Kvetch and praise and worry and wonder and laugh and be a full human.